Hello! :) Welcome to my blog,
A humble little space on net. You'll find me screaming about my life and my joys and sorrow :D
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Friday, July 30, 2010
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you just made me feel like i just a make a fool out of myself. 当自己不能得到时，却那么踊跃地争取。当你得到时，却那么残忍地不要了。你是在玩我吗？ 我真的适着去体会，了解你或他，但是到底谁适着了解我呢？！？！ 现在做出了选择，我没崔你要个答案，但你却狠心地冷漠我。 之前不是这样的吧？我不想给你压力，或烦你，因为我知道你学业方面已经够压力，也知道你的处境不方便。仍然的我应该没有必要受到这样的待遇吧？怎么你们两都这样呢？ 是我的问题吗？ 若我离开会不会对大家都好一点？你们说呢？ 真的我宁愿你跟我说你选择他，大大好过我在这里猜你要什么。 我只能说我很失望。若有一天以前的俊贺不存在了，想必也知道为何。 你们让我在这件事体会了很多。 无论在友谊或爱情里，只要谁先动情，谁就输。 依然的，原来我们来到这世上到我们死去都只是自己孤独地走。
Thursday, July 29, 2010
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if all these things makes me a bastard, then what are you guys?
LOVE the CLIQUE 11:21 PM
Thursday, July 22, 2010
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today signifies the day that I lost my best friend. Apparently someone I thought that would last still the very end of my life. Someone, I thought would help or be there for me if I fall. Someone, I thought its worth giving in to. Someone, I always treated like he is my blood ties. Someone, I thought is emotionally more vulnerable than he looks. Someone, I can give up so much for. Someone, that ppl can't understand him neither can he understand himself, yet i'm pretty sure i understand him more than he does. Someone, that i'm afraid that i might lose
This very someone helped me in a way or another through out the years but eventually it lost to he's weakness- LOVE, incomparable to a brotherhood for so many years. This is really a wake up call for me, it made me realise how one can be so selfish, inhuman and FUCK UP. Even at the sight that i'm putting down my dignity to hold on to it, he wasn't feeling anything- not a single bit. I did my best, I really did but its jus that "take it for granted" feeling that you are giving to me that really make my heart die on you. I'm surprised by how much I can contribute to this friendship yet earning nth but losing you instead. I believe I did think for you in many ways, still its really time for me to do something for myself... Else I will jus break down~
I'm sorry that we ahve to come to this point. Since this is what you want, I give it to you. Though its really hard for me, probably not you but I trust that I can walk on. I won't let you become a hindrance to my life, my future.
I was hoping for a apology throughout yet... Thanks for giving me kinda wonderful experiences. In a way, it really made me grew up alot throughout the years. You know how I treated you and how you treated me. Now, I'm sorry...
U marked my life, ben
LOVE the CLIQUE 4:19 PM
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
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I'm scared, I fear that I might lose you to someone else again. Nvr thought that I would fear so much, my feelings my emotions are overwhelming, yet I am held back by what I should do. I know that I am on the path to gain those guts that u claim I should have, but what if these courage that I am gaining might lose to his words/actions? Why must this thing revolves around the both of you...
Probably I should really fight for what I really want.
LOVE the CLIQUE 6:45 PM
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
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every moment when i look at my phone, i was hoping its you~
LOVE the CLIQUE 8:19 PM
Thursday, July 15, 2010
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guess i should just private my blog.. since it matters to you SO MUCH.
its really weird luh, i can't believe u totally twisted my actions, my words in ure favour. All just to direct the blame to me. HA! Honestly, I dun regret that I made all of these choices, even not giving u a clear answer- I dun tink its my fault either? Cos whether its a yes or no, I have a already told you not to go along with her recklessness initially and u jus went against me. In the end blaming me? I still rmb u telling me that u will bear the consequences, yet now forcing her to give you some security that u yearn to have and even sacrificing our friendship. Is that how you define bearing the consequences? Ain't bearing the consequences means that you will accept anything that comeby~ I can't believe you are that self-fish, at the least this time you are. Manipulating everything. Dun you understand that you were the one who got involve in this whole thing, EVEN when I stopped you, now I'm to blame? My feelings for her has always been there, it is just that it was hidden underneath somewhere in my heart at that time.. i thought u always knew. In fact you din, or rather you knew but chose to go on with it. you saw us coming to this state din you? Daniel once said: you tend to get close to ure bro's love. I did defend you initially but somehow it seems like its getting much clearer now. No matter how serious the matter is, I suppose it isn't even right for you to say that i'm the 2nd HS- fall in love with bro's gf. HA! I nvr once seriously told you that, yet u used it on me? Have ever gave a single thought that you are the third party in fact? First-karen then grace now Her. you kinda like this kind of r/s ? I really dun like to say these things but you are getting ridiculous.
Cos you are that F-ing important to me that I did so much. How abt this? How does it feel when you are just "giving" ure best bro your deepest love since young, yet I can't speak a word abt it? I can't vent my emotions? I don't vent it on you did I? I seriously do suspect how u love someone: by clinging on her, by holding on her. previously with grace as well.. U clearly know that grace still love xiang but u totally making her in a difficult position. It was cos of you! now wat? don't you find some signs of resemblance? Its cos I felt that you were dragged into this thing "innocently", tat I dun tink she nor me shld be unfair to you. In fact, if you really think back, are u really that innocent? Firstly: I stopped you and u insist on it. Secondly: I believe she wasn't the one who kinda started this thing? WHOSE THE F-ing BASTARD WHO SAID "I LIKE THAT 25 HRS WITH YOU". I'm sry I saw it, but that was after I refrained from doing such things for so long but wat you said forced me to the extreme. The last resort that I can at the least know whats happening. You are telling me that if me and her were as good frens, you are ok with it. ARE YOU SURE? It was just words to cover up ure jealousy, ure vested interests.I understand how it feels. You do know that I still had feelings for her, or rather even before I know it.. RIGHT? I bet so, consider how long we know each other. You fail to realise your mistakes.. dragging our r/s into it. even if you manage to see this i bet u will jus deny or not even bother to explain URE so called purposes behind it. By telling me ure rationale was: you want to do what you want, it simply tells me that it was just to cover up ure desperate-ness for love or rather complicated r/s. I'm sry to say these, I dun really like to speak like this but consider what you have said to me this is jus 1/5 of it?
I bother to endure everything just to make sure that you ain't suffering, I bother to put down my dignity and apologise to you even though I was sure that I wasn't totally at fault, I bother to explain to others that what you've done wasn't what they intrepreted with the vague stories, I bother to even tell her to give you a chance consider my feelings for her, I bother to think of how you feel, I bother to think of how unexpressive you are and any little things you do and I manage to see it... I try to take it as a comfort, take it as I'm at the least doing for a purpose rather than nth in return. I bother to even initiate to contact you, talk to you, understand you. I bother to be a fucking idiot- knowingly that its my crucial year yet bothering abt your matter. I bother to comply with almost everything you want. I bother to tolerate further by telling myself you will understand one day. I bother to do so much to hold on to this friendship JUST COS U R MY FUCKING BROTHER. I bother to even call you a brother now, cos having this word coming out from my mouth ain't easy, if i said you are I meant it. I bother to treat you like my F-ing blood Brother that everything you did, I try to forgive and forget. Yet you are still telling me: FUCK OF MY LIFE!
You know why I find it ridiculous? I find that i'm the innocent one here, Its like i'm blamed for smth I tried to stop and endured so much? Yet, becoming the villian here. WHY NOT WE JUST F-ing change position huh? probably you will feel what I am feeling now, cos i noe how you feel thats y I did so much but you took it the other way. And probably you understand how it feels being malign, the fear of contacting her cos of you, the barrier between me and her, having to be forced to choose between 2 most important ppl in your life, seeing her with another guy by her side and yet CAN'T help her, having to both as priorities over yourself? Even at the very beginning the thought of being with her has diminish even if you guys were to break up, cos I have to think of how to let you get over it rather than adding on to your pain? HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF aLL THESE? or rather I am still the THIRD party in your eyes?
If you wanna know if I were you what will I do? Basically you won't gif a damn abt your friendship, whats more me. But the least thing I will do, I won't cling on her and make her in a difficult position. That's the least thing I will do, I won't force her to give me security cos I brought these upon myself and I break the ground rules. AS SIMPLE AS THAT, even how hard it is for me, at the least she is not implicated by it. DOUBT you understand.. u can deny but you are too possessive.
LOVE the CLIQUE 3:20 PM
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
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